Jump to content

The Kid Who Collected Crimes!

From RZWiki
Won't you keep us working? Working down below?
This page needs work to reach an encyclopedic standard. If you see something missing, you can help The Mysterious Spanish Ladies by joining the wiki and expanding the article.

"The Kid Who Collected Crimes!" (originally titled "Once Upon a Crime") is the first episode of The Residents' crime fiction serial drama The River of Crime!, originally released on the Cordless Recordings website on June 13th 2006. In this episode, the protagonist details his childhood obsession with all things related to crime and criminality, stemming from an initial interest in the idea of death penalty by electrocution.

Script

INTRO

Our lives are constantly surrounded by unseen streams... numerous, invisible rivers composed of love, power, success, pain... all that we detest and desire. Some we navigate with ease, some we seek forever... and some are simply whirlpools, spinning us into oblivion.
While I am not a criminal, crime has stalked me from an early age. At this point, I can only see my life as an unending collision with evil, leaving me with but one conclusion: I ride the river of crime.

INTRODUCTION TO EPISODE #1 - THOMAS ALVA & THE ELEPHANT

A crackling, sizzling electronic sound is quickly accompanied by a loud, intense, but brief roar, which is immediately followed by a very loud THUMP! 

[NARRATOR]
That was the sound of Topsy, the elephant, being electrocuted by Thomas Edison... okay, it was a fake, it wasn't REALLY the sound of an elephant electrocution, but it DID happen, and amazingly enough, Edison actually filmed the sizzling, smoking and undoubtedly disturbing death of Topsy in 1903. As a child, Thomas A. Edison, the elephant killer, was one of my earliest heroes, along with Alexander Graham Bell, Eli Whitney, and other famous American inventors, but it was Edison's involvement with the electric chair that really hooked me. So much so that, by the age of 7, I had read everything I could find concerning this most "humane" of all execution devices.

SCENE 1 - ELECTROCUTION 1

[NARRATOR]
The execution of Julius and Ethyl Rosenberg in the electric chair was a major news event at the end of my first grade year at school. Being an expert on the subject, I volunteered to give a class report on electrocution the day the Rosenbergs were executed.

[YOUNG NARRATOR]
On August 6, 1890, the first person to be executed in the electric chair... [fades out]

[NARRATOR]
We were also treated to a live broadcast of the execution on the radio.

[DOCUMENTARY]
The, uh, wires have been attached and secured to the headset and to the legbands. The perspiration has been wiped again from the condemn's forehead and... [fades out]

[YOUNG NARRATOR]
[fades in] ...his common law wife. Unfortunately, the execution did not go well. Due to a mechanical malfunction the first 1300-volt jolt only lasted 17 seconds, leaving Mr. Kimmler twitching... and still alive. But the second shock, continuing for approximately 70 seconds, was more successful, filling the room with smoke and the smell of burning flesh.

[CHORUS]
It would have been better if he didn't burn,
defecate, vomit or squirm;
It would have been better if they only said
it would be better if he wasn't dead.

SCENE 2 - ELECTROCUTION 2

[DOCUMENTARY]
The face hood has been secured. The warden and all execution team have departed the chamber. Stand by for the warden's last telephone check.

[YOUNG NARRATOR]
I also learned about Willie Francis, the only man to be electrocuted twice. During and immediately after the failed procedure, Willie made three comments:

"I am not dying."
"Stop it! Let me breathe."
... and finally...
"My mouth tasted like cold peanut butter."

After hearing the argument that a second electrocution amounted to "cruel and unusual punishment," the Supreme Court ruled against Willie and he was successfully executed on May 9, 1947... which just happens to be my birthday.

SCENE 3 - ELECTROCUTION 3

[DOCUMENTARY]
Ralph, this is the commissioner. There are no stays. You can proceed to carry out the official order of the court.
Very well. On my count of three, I'll press the button... one... two... three.

[YOUNG NARRATOR]
The average execution takes two minutes and ten seconds. The first shock lasts up to one minute and usually destroys the brain and the central nervous system.

[DOCUMENTARY]
The execution is now in progress. When the surge first entered his body, he stiffened and I heard a pop, as if one of the, uh, straps had broke, but I can't tell from this vantage point. He is still, at this time, sitting there with clenched fists and no other movements.

[YOUNG NARRATOR]
To make certain that the heartbeat of the condemned does not resume, a second shock is then administered. Physical reactions to the process include the release of urine and feces, vomiting of blood and the burning of hair and skin.

[DOCUMENTARY]
From my vantage point, it seems that the inmate has relaxed somewhat. His fists are still clenched, but there's no movement from the condemned.

SCENE 4 - HAVING A GOOD CRIME

[NARRATOR]
Sure, it's dark, but kids love dark scary stuff and this was way better than I Was a Teenage Frankenstein. But soon this compulsive interest in the electric chair led to an even more obsessive attraction to criminality in any form. For me, crime became the art form of the sociopath, a curious combination of creativity and antisocial behavior that often led to wildly unpredictable acts... like [Sadamichi] Hirasawa, a Japanese artist, who, in 1948, posing as a doctor, poisoned 15 bank employees with cyanide, then picked up all the money he could find and calmly left the bank... or George McKay, a cop killer, who was the first man to be convicted by ballistic evidence. On the way to the London gallows in 1913, McKay was allowed to kiss his newborn baby and used this last act of affection to slip a piece of poisoned bread in the child's mouth, saying...

[GEORGE McKAY]
Now no one can say your father never gave you anything.

[NARRATOR]
And so, obsessed, my childhood was consumed with crime. While other kids were watching the Mickey Mouse Club, I saturated myself with murder, rape and arson, reading countless books, watching crime movies and television series; I even collected thousands of crime-themed records... but then everything changed.

[CHORUS]
Nothing never doesn't changes;
Nothing never rearranges;
Nothing never stays the same;
Occasionally it's entertaining.

SCENE 5 - MEEMAW'S HOUSE

[NARRATOR]
A few years later, my parents went away for a few days, leaving me with my grandmother, Meemaw. Meemaw was a little fussy, but we always ate popcorn and watched lots of wrestling on TV, so staying with her was okay. The worst thing was that she always wanted me to go to church with her on Sunday mornings, but I usually got out of it. The problem with that, though, was the first thing Meemaw would talk about when she got home would always be the goddamn sermon. It was her way of spreading a little of the Lord's light on me... but this time it was different. The subject of this week's sermon was Toni Jo Henry, the only woman executed in the electric chair in Louisiana.

[PREACHER]
... the devil had gotten ready for her! They buckled her beautiful young body in with a heavy leather belt. A man pushed a lever and that sudden charge of electricity hit her young body and it jerked and it pulled and convulsively twisted and her eyes almost popped out of her head. And the smell of burnt flesh and wistful smoke came out from between her toes and between her fingers and from under the edges of the electrodes on her head and circled toward the ceiling like little imps of hell -- laughing at the girl, who laughed at the Bible and cursed preachers and laughed at churches and heard the sermon that you're listening to tonight -- PAYDAY SOMEDAY had come to Toni Jo...

[MEEMAW]
Poor Toni Jo, comin' to such a evil end... and she was such a sweet girl when she was little.

[NARRATOR]
Perhaps as never before, my grandmother had my complete and total attention.

[YOUNG NARRATOR]
... did... did you actually know Toni Jo Henry, Meemaw?

[MEEMAW]
Know her? Land sakes, boy, I made cookies for Toni Jo right there in that oven... she was a sweet child.

[YOUNG NARRATOR]
... how... how did you know her? Did... did she go to your church?

[MEEMAW]
Why, ...she lived right next door. Her aunt, Florine Farmer, she still lives there... the poor thing, Toni Jo's mother was killed in a accident when she was only six, so they sent her to live with her aunt. She was visiting over at Florine's house when the police came and arrested her. They ran over two of my rose bushes... an' I haven't said a word to Florine since it happened. Proper people don't have police cars driving up in their front yards.

SCENE 6 - ILLEGAL ENTRY

[NARRATOR]
I couldn't stop thinking about it. After absorbing morsel after morsel of criminal activity through third-hand experiences, I was practically NEXT DOOR TO A MURDERER!!! ...well, at least a murderer's aunt. I had to go over there... nothing could stop me... I had to feel the presence of a killer.

So the next day, seeing that the back door was open, I snuck into the house. Lit only by shafts of sunlight streaming around the curtains, the dark interior was a maze of brightness and shade... every sound, seemingly amplified... every shadow, vaguely sinister. I had no idea where Florine Farmer, Toni Jo's aunt, might be. Maybe she was at work, like my grandma... but she could be waiting around the next dark corner... with a knife, or maybe a hatchet... okay, I know, if she was there she'd probably be cleaning the toilet, but I was a kid... and I was scared.

Creeping along, I slowly worked my way to a small room in the back of the house. Piled in a corner and reeking of mold were half a dozen boxes full of old clothes, photos and yellowed newspapers... the worldly remains of Toni Jo Henry. It was heaven. I picked up a dress and smelled the faint scent of cheap perfume, barely blending into the stronger odors of mildew and must. Picking up a newspaper, my hands shook as I read an article about Toni Jo's trial... but then suddenly I heard someone at the front door... terrified, I grabbed a photo and jumped out a nearby window... a gruff voice shouted into the room.

[GRUFF VOICE]
WHO'S THERE! I KNOW SOMEONE'S THERE! YOU BETTER GET OUTTA HERE 'FORE I CALL THE COPS!

[NARRATOR]
Petrified, I sat motionless on the ground beneath the window. Hiding behind a bush, I stared at my prize - a wedding photo of Toni Jo and Claude "Cowboy" Henry. It was the best day of my life.

[CHORUS]
We need to know there is a best
because we fear there's nothing left
but emptiness as we grow old,
hoping our memories are gold

EPILOGUE

[NARRATOR]
Yes, after years of collecting crime, one had actually come to me. I was ecstatic... then another came... and another... and another... faster and faster they came... and closer... and closer. Before long my friends were all criminals... and my family?... I didn't want to know.

So now I sit here... alone... in a world that gets a little darker every day... reaching out to someone, anyone... I'm not a criminal, but crime is sucking me down... down into a pit, where darkness waits, where cruelty pervades... and evil knows my name.

[CHORUS]
Evil knows his aunts and uncles
and it knows his name;
Evil is an endless tunnel
with a bad migraine.

See also

Buy Or Die!

Listen online

Resources

Retrieved from "https://residents.wiki/index.php?title=The_Kid_Who_Collected_Crimes!&oldid=21385"